despite what you've been told, i used to have a soul...

I really wish i had an amp and speakers for my record player so i could listen to Two Gallants, among all the other new records i've bought and haven't listened to......and really I could go out and buy an amp and speakers whenever i wanted....BUT for once im holding onto my "spare" cash with all my life.

Well friends (most whom i havent spoken to in too long) I miss you so......I dont miss that blasted shithole city (which i left for another shit hole city) but fuck i miss your faces & smiles. I promise to make a visit very soon! Sooner then ya'll think! Ive decided to bail on going on family vacation with my job, and im taking the week off to visit NB and hopefully get some Cass Ette shit done as progress has basically come to a complete halt.

Jennii bailed on our show tomorrow night, so i think im going to try and make up for our constant bailing and play a solo "cass ette" set.....and i thinkk Brando is going to assist me on some songs with mandolin. I THINK. Just the thought of playing solo in front of people is making me a nervous wreck. But i need to do this to myself, to prove I can still do it. When i look back on my KFF days i feel like that wasn't me.....that it wasn't real.....those people dont exist anymore. I guess part of that is true.

My computer has a virus so i cant upload any photos and i also sold my camera to my dad so i no longer own a digital camera until i save up the cash to buy a really nice one. So for now, its just me and my 35mm, and other then the fact that film is fucking expensive as shit.....im in love with my 35!

Either way, i havent been up to anything very exciting. Im bored with my life and my job and this city....not a good mindstate for me, and i usually do something stupid like "quit my job and move to another town" but Im trying really hard to not be like that anymore. Im on this constant struggle of settling down or saying fuck it and just travelling. I blame my parents for this constant feeling of never being happy.

In other news, and trust me this is NEWS....im totally slowly cutting meat out of my life. I dont think i'll ever 100% stop eating meat, because i fucking love chicken.....but ive been avoiding red meat like the plague, even good old cheeseburgs (which is my favorite past time! haha) I never thought i'd ever make the change, but theres something im learning about myself & change.....we go hand in hand.

For the past 15 years i've been living in denial. I've always told myself "oh ive never really changed that much, if anything im just wise now"....but wow who the fuck was i kidding? Im not going to elaborate about how i came to this realization on some silly blog but to sum it up, im not that careless stupid punk kid anymore...the person i was in highschool and on those streets is so not me anymore. Kind of funny that i have it tattoo'd on my body, and obviously ill always be "another stupid punk kid"....but im glad im not that person anymore. Im glad i realized that Im not a waste of space, that i can accomplish anything (and fuck will i ever!) as long as i work hard. Society scares me now a days....the words "hard work" dont exist in anyones vocabulary! Does no one look up to their grandfathers (and beyond!) anymore? They are looking down on you in shame.....they are saying "i raised your parents better than this, and those parents failed you!"

Im turned off by lazy people a lot these days. The world is in a recession, this country is in a recession and i see opportunity everywhere i look! I could easily walk out on this job today and be employed tomorrow...and yet I see people struggling to get by. Its because they keep their eyes focused on the ground....or maybe they have no ambition, no goals.....and who are you without either of those? Just a thought.

"the boy on your arm girl, you know he wont last"

i feel the need to rant about relationships and how the ones surrounding me make me sad. Its weird how differently you look at someone who's at the recieving end of spousal abuse. I examine the face. Every scar, every scratch, every bruise on the body......I look at everything in detail and i wonder "did he do that to you?" or "is that what love feels like? If so, i dont want it". I got into social work because i knew i could help people but fuck it angers me to see some of the shit ive seen. I somewhat regret taking social work because i dont need to be reminded of what a shitty world we live in....meh.

Anyhow, im going to see PROPAGANDHI tonight! Im stoked! They better not disappoint!

I wish i could write songs like Two Gallants.

anyhow friends, seeing as i cant upload new photos heres an old one that always makes me smile...



and then theres this one...