despite what you've been told, i used to have a soul...

I really wish i had an amp and speakers for my record player so i could listen to Two Gallants, among all the other new records i've bought and haven't listened to......and really I could go out and buy an amp and speakers whenever i wanted....BUT for once im holding onto my "spare" cash with all my life.

Well friends (most whom i havent spoken to in too long) I miss you so......I dont miss that blasted shithole city (which i left for another shit hole city) but fuck i miss your faces & smiles. I promise to make a visit very soon! Sooner then ya'll think! Ive decided to bail on going on family vacation with my job, and im taking the week off to visit NB and hopefully get some Cass Ette shit done as progress has basically come to a complete halt.

Jennii bailed on our show tomorrow night, so i think im going to try and make up for our constant bailing and play a solo "cass ette" set.....and i thinkk Brando is going to assist me on some songs with mandolin. I THINK. Just the thought of playing solo in front of people is making me a nervous wreck. But i need to do this to myself, to prove I can still do it. When i look back on my KFF days i feel like that wasn't me.....that it wasn't real.....those people dont exist anymore. I guess part of that is true.

My computer has a virus so i cant upload any photos and i also sold my camera to my dad so i no longer own a digital camera until i save up the cash to buy a really nice one. So for now, its just me and my 35mm, and other then the fact that film is fucking expensive as shit.....im in love with my 35!

Either way, i havent been up to anything very exciting. Im bored with my life and my job and this city....not a good mindstate for me, and i usually do something stupid like "quit my job and move to another town" but Im trying really hard to not be like that anymore. Im on this constant struggle of settling down or saying fuck it and just travelling. I blame my parents for this constant feeling of never being happy.

In other news, and trust me this is NEWS....im totally slowly cutting meat out of my life. I dont think i'll ever 100% stop eating meat, because i fucking love chicken.....but ive been avoiding red meat like the plague, even good old cheeseburgs (which is my favorite past time! haha) I never thought i'd ever make the change, but theres something im learning about myself & change.....we go hand in hand.

For the past 15 years i've been living in denial. I've always told myself "oh ive never really changed that much, if anything im just wise now"....but wow who the fuck was i kidding? Im not going to elaborate about how i came to this realization on some silly blog but to sum it up, im not that careless stupid punk kid anymore...the person i was in highschool and on those streets is so not me anymore. Kind of funny that i have it tattoo'd on my body, and obviously ill always be "another stupid punk kid"....but im glad im not that person anymore. Im glad i realized that Im not a waste of space, that i can accomplish anything (and fuck will i ever!) as long as i work hard. Society scares me now a days....the words "hard work" dont exist in anyones vocabulary! Does no one look up to their grandfathers (and beyond!) anymore? They are looking down on you in shame.....they are saying "i raised your parents better than this, and those parents failed you!"

Im turned off by lazy people a lot these days. The world is in a recession, this country is in a recession and i see opportunity everywhere i look! I could easily walk out on this job today and be employed tomorrow...and yet I see people struggling to get by. Its because they keep their eyes focused on the ground....or maybe they have no ambition, no goals.....and who are you without either of those? Just a thought.

"the boy on your arm girl, you know he wont last"

i feel the need to rant about relationships and how the ones surrounding me make me sad. Its weird how differently you look at someone who's at the recieving end of spousal abuse. I examine the face. Every scar, every scratch, every bruise on the body......I look at everything in detail and i wonder "did he do that to you?" or "is that what love feels like? If so, i dont want it". I got into social work because i knew i could help people but fuck it angers me to see some of the shit ive seen. I somewhat regret taking social work because i dont need to be reminded of what a shitty world we live in....meh.

Anyhow, im going to see PROPAGANDHI tonight! Im stoked! They better not disappoint!

I wish i could write songs like Two Gallants.

anyhow friends, seeing as i cant upload new photos heres an old one that always makes me smile...



and then theres this one...

Whats up? The answer can lead in any direction.
I just had n incredible weekend, with such swell people! Dawna & Jade came to visit me! We checked out Death By Stereo, which was a very nostalgic evening for me. It was 8 years ago where Jade & I took off hitch hiking to Thunder Bay JUST to see Death By Stereo. We hitched seperately, and Jade arrived as soon as the first band started to play. Word got around how two young girls busted ass to attend this show, and to our surprise Efrem from DBS thanked us through out their entire set. I made it a point to see DBS once a year after this....but after 4-5 years of committing to that, I fell short. The last DBS album "death for life" holds a lot of crazy memories for me....mostly nights of walking through vancouver, over bridges and down the dirty streets just to pass time before coming back to ontario to tour.

Anyyyhow, I had to work friday and was too tired to stick around to see shitty strung out. Friday Cass Ettes were suppost to play an acoustic set at skajeff's moving out gathering, but we simply were not ready to play in front of people. We've only jammed once since Jennii has been back in ontario and really, we need a lot of jam-time to sound like we did in 2007. But yeah, the gathering was rad shit. Its been a long fucking time since ive drank until 6am...let alone drink until 6am, walk an hour home in the rain, and work at 9:30am.....my night could have been a whole lot better if i didnt have to work though....ermmm. Either way, seeing jade
& dawna was awesome :) <3



shes going to be pissed i posted a photo of her. I think shes the first person i've ever full on forgiven. Its weird to think about how far we've come as friends, and how far we have to go. But I think everything turns out in our favour in the end. <3

My life went from boring and nothing, to busy as fuck & when will i find time to hang out. Three times a week i work 12 hour shifts, yoga on mondays, gym tues-weds-thurs, tennis on weekends, plus all the cass ette shit.....i feel like my life has purpose just due to the fact that im so busy. I also bought a cello, so im going to take some cello lessons to help me out!!!

I can honestly say my life has never felt so "normal". My job is perfect, my friends are awesome and I have a band again. I actually feel like an "Adult" for once....and its a weird fucking feeling. My mood & anxiety has been really "controlled" as of late, and though i cant pin point any one thing thats helping me, I really think its the fact im taking St.Johns Wort every day. Im trying really hard to eat properly too, and i think that adds to why im so content. Its crazy to think that things can be treated through proper nutrition, but the more i look into it the more im convinced....and really, it seems/sounds pretty obvious. Wish i would have realized it before though.

fuck, i gotta stop chewing my nails. UGH!