despite what you've been told, i used to have a soul...

I really wish i had an amp and speakers for my record player so i could listen to Two Gallants, among all the other new records i've bought and haven't listened to......and really I could go out and buy an amp and speakers whenever i wanted....BUT for once im holding onto my "spare" cash with all my life.

Well friends (most whom i havent spoken to in too long) I miss you so......I dont miss that blasted shithole city (which i left for another shit hole city) but fuck i miss your faces & smiles. I promise to make a visit very soon! Sooner then ya'll think! Ive decided to bail on going on family vacation with my job, and im taking the week off to visit NB and hopefully get some Cass Ette shit done as progress has basically come to a complete halt.

Jennii bailed on our show tomorrow night, so i think im going to try and make up for our constant bailing and play a solo "cass ette" set.....and i thinkk Brando is going to assist me on some songs with mandolin. I THINK. Just the thought of playing solo in front of people is making me a nervous wreck. But i need to do this to myself, to prove I can still do it. When i look back on my KFF days i feel like that wasn't me.....that it wasn't real.....those people dont exist anymore. I guess part of that is true.

My computer has a virus so i cant upload any photos and i also sold my camera to my dad so i no longer own a digital camera until i save up the cash to buy a really nice one. So for now, its just me and my 35mm, and other then the fact that film is fucking expensive as shit.....im in love with my 35!

Either way, i havent been up to anything very exciting. Im bored with my life and my job and this city....not a good mindstate for me, and i usually do something stupid like "quit my job and move to another town" but Im trying really hard to not be like that anymore. Im on this constant struggle of settling down or saying fuck it and just travelling. I blame my parents for this constant feeling of never being happy.

In other news, and trust me this is NEWS....im totally slowly cutting meat out of my life. I dont think i'll ever 100% stop eating meat, because i fucking love chicken.....but ive been avoiding red meat like the plague, even good old cheeseburgs (which is my favorite past time! haha) I never thought i'd ever make the change, but theres something im learning about myself & change.....we go hand in hand.

For the past 15 years i've been living in denial. I've always told myself "oh ive never really changed that much, if anything im just wise now"....but wow who the fuck was i kidding? Im not going to elaborate about how i came to this realization on some silly blog but to sum it up, im not that careless stupid punk kid anymore...the person i was in highschool and on those streets is so not me anymore. Kind of funny that i have it tattoo'd on my body, and obviously ill always be "another stupid punk kid"....but im glad im not that person anymore. Im glad i realized that Im not a waste of space, that i can accomplish anything (and fuck will i ever!) as long as i work hard. Society scares me now a days....the words "hard work" dont exist in anyones vocabulary! Does no one look up to their grandfathers (and beyond!) anymore? They are looking down on you in shame.....they are saying "i raised your parents better than this, and those parents failed you!"

Im turned off by lazy people a lot these days. The world is in a recession, this country is in a recession and i see opportunity everywhere i look! I could easily walk out on this job today and be employed tomorrow...and yet I see people struggling to get by. Its because they keep their eyes focused on the ground....or maybe they have no ambition, no goals.....and who are you without either of those? Just a thought.

"the boy on your arm girl, you know he wont last"

i feel the need to rant about relationships and how the ones surrounding me make me sad. Its weird how differently you look at someone who's at the recieving end of spousal abuse. I examine the face. Every scar, every scratch, every bruise on the body......I look at everything in detail and i wonder "did he do that to you?" or "is that what love feels like? If so, i dont want it". I got into social work because i knew i could help people but fuck it angers me to see some of the shit ive seen. I somewhat regret taking social work because i dont need to be reminded of what a shitty world we live in....meh.

Anyhow, im going to see PROPAGANDHI tonight! Im stoked! They better not disappoint!

I wish i could write songs like Two Gallants.

anyhow friends, seeing as i cant upload new photos heres an old one that always makes me smile...



and then theres this one...

Whats up? The answer can lead in any direction.
I just had n incredible weekend, with such swell people! Dawna & Jade came to visit me! We checked out Death By Stereo, which was a very nostalgic evening for me. It was 8 years ago where Jade & I took off hitch hiking to Thunder Bay JUST to see Death By Stereo. We hitched seperately, and Jade arrived as soon as the first band started to play. Word got around how two young girls busted ass to attend this show, and to our surprise Efrem from DBS thanked us through out their entire set. I made it a point to see DBS once a year after this....but after 4-5 years of committing to that, I fell short. The last DBS album "death for life" holds a lot of crazy memories for me....mostly nights of walking through vancouver, over bridges and down the dirty streets just to pass time before coming back to ontario to tour.

Anyyyhow, I had to work friday and was too tired to stick around to see shitty strung out. Friday Cass Ettes were suppost to play an acoustic set at skajeff's moving out gathering, but we simply were not ready to play in front of people. We've only jammed once since Jennii has been back in ontario and really, we need a lot of jam-time to sound like we did in 2007. But yeah, the gathering was rad shit. Its been a long fucking time since ive drank until 6am...let alone drink until 6am, walk an hour home in the rain, and work at 9:30am.....my night could have been a whole lot better if i didnt have to work though....ermmm. Either way, seeing jade
& dawna was awesome :) <3



shes going to be pissed i posted a photo of her. I think shes the first person i've ever full on forgiven. Its weird to think about how far we've come as friends, and how far we have to go. But I think everything turns out in our favour in the end. <3

My life went from boring and nothing, to busy as fuck & when will i find time to hang out. Three times a week i work 12 hour shifts, yoga on mondays, gym tues-weds-thurs, tennis on weekends, plus all the cass ette shit.....i feel like my life has purpose just due to the fact that im so busy. I also bought a cello, so im going to take some cello lessons to help me out!!!

I can honestly say my life has never felt so "normal". My job is perfect, my friends are awesome and I have a band again. I actually feel like an "Adult" for once....and its a weird fucking feeling. My mood & anxiety has been really "controlled" as of late, and though i cant pin point any one thing thats helping me, I really think its the fact im taking St.Johns Wort every day. Im trying really hard to eat properly too, and i think that adds to why im so content. Its crazy to think that things can be treated through proper nutrition, but the more i look into it the more im convinced....and really, it seems/sounds pretty obvious. Wish i would have realized it before though.

fuck, i gotta stop chewing my nails. UGH!

I just had 3 days off and i did a whole lot of "fuck all". Friday i hit up ska jeffs for a gathering & that was pretty swell! I got drunk enough to have a permanent smile, then drank a shit load of water for the rest of the evening. On saturday i went to see this movie called ONE WEEK. Its about a guy who finds out he has stage 4 cancer, so he buys a motorcycle and bikes across canada. Kind a generic story line really, but i really enjoyed the movie. During the previews there was this movie called ANVIL, a documentary about the metal band doing a tour after like 20 years of not playing. The preview itself basically brought me to tears because of typical band shit you see them go through.....just shit i can relate to, and in a lot of ways it reminded me of being with KFF- then again, it doesnt take much to remind me of those days.

I always think about this one time in particular, for no reason really....anything can just make this memory appear. On our way on tour, back when jerry was still in the band, we were driving and the song "lean on me" came on....we all started singing along, making complete asses out of ourselves. But at that moment in time, it felt like this would be forever. I feel like so many of us played such an important part of that band, and so many are now long forgotten.

Anywaysss, other weekend i went to go see Atmosphere......i keep talking about it a lot, but in all honesty it was one of the best shows i've ever been to. He played a shit load of tunes i know & love, and thoughthe crowd was full of college kids, it was energetic and no bullshit happened. I danced and rhymed off lyrics like nobodies business, and it felt great being surrounded by strangers, making a fool of myself.


I spent today roaming around town with Miss Verch. We checked out her & brando's apartment, and im really stoked for them to move into their new home! Moving is hectic, and a pain in the arse....but i love new apartments, rearranging things and creating a new environment for yourself.....i dig it.


I really want to buy a new digital camera..... but there are better ways to be spending my money these days. Preparing all our Cass Ette shit will be quite costly, and getting ready to play shows in August. Im super excited for our house show with the Rough Sea (at ska jeffs may 29th). It'll be a nice way to meet friends and jam, and drink our faces off.....hahaha. Even more exciting news about that show is that Jade, Dawna & Couch will be visiting!

Im finally tired and need to sleep, as im working 12 hour days again this week.....ahhhh!!! (i keep telling myself its worth it!, and it is.....$$$) Im stoked for holidays in july!


i love this photo of Ella! I made her this really lovely necklace with mother of pearl, flourite & sea glass. She rocks it all the time.... :)

eau 'd bedroom dancing

I cant believe i have to be in this city for another 3 years. FUCKMYLIFE! Overall, i dont mind the place.....i forget that im in "the big great capital" and often feel like im in a small town. I make the best of it though. Days like today i get fucking frustrated with the people, the "scene" and lets not forget the fact that every band is so catergorized and glorified to fit some stupid genre.

As much as i love my job, my "bosses" and the kids.....I often think i should have stayed in Toronto. I think it would have been better for Cass Ettes. We're different. We dont fit into some fucking mold. The good thing is with Jennii in Toronto and me in Ottawa, we'll be able to play weekend shows in each city whenever we want.

To be honest, whats bothering me most is that i came from a place that even with all the bullshit & drama & small town crap......we were a unit. Parties & Shows were always a riot. I was able to play music anytime i wanted, with whomever i wanted, and I smiled a lot more than i do now a days.


I miss the void a lot and the people who were apart of that place. I know people thought the place was a dirty hole and the people there were hoodlums with nothing.....but underneath it all, it was a home that welcomed anyone, no matter what you wore or what you listened to. People used to say north bay was a "clique-y" town....but it so fucking wasn't. The void was a place you could walk into one day and hear Blind Guardian or Converge blasting, and the next day you would hear Tracy Chapman & Fleetwood Mac.....and everytime there was a bunch of tattoo'd drunken folk singing their asses off.

I wish i had that feeling back. The feeling that I always had somewhere to go. That place always made me happy. On the nights i couldnt sleep i would walk there and pass out on the couch in the middle of a party, and no one bothered me. I had my best sleeps on those dirty couches...snuggling with mama Jess.



I guess overall i miss Gavin. Its hard for people to understand why i care about him so much and why I think pretty highly of him. I recognize his faults, but truth is....no one is fucking perfect. The difference between my friendship with him, and everyone else's friendship with him, is that I have no problem saying "no" to Gavin. Infact, i enjoy his pouty little face. But when i look past all the shit, I see a non judgemental face. A face that makes me laugh all the time. I think our friendship is so strong because im honest with him. Im realizing a lot lately that people dont like Honesty. We think its a good idea. We think its what we want. But no one likes to hear the truth. Im not saying my truth is RIGHT, Im just saying its honest.....and thats all i ask from people.





<3
Obviously they aren't the only people i miss.....but I get to see most of my other friends more often then these folk. Growing up and moving on fucking sucks. All i regret is not spending my last days in north bay with my friends and wasting time with KFF.....and what a waste of fucking time and energy it was.

I moved to Ottawa because of them....and now im stuck in this fucking city, when i could have been anywhere in this country. Im lucky NB folk visit me, and i have steph or I'd fucking go insane.

rah rah rahhhhh!!!!!
I make the most of everything, and thats the best i can do.

On another note, Jennii & I are going to a Chalet in Quebec with my bosses in July.....this is going to be a good time to put in good jam time before we record!

and in the end, its love.

its MONDAYYY! yeehaw! Im exhausted from this past weekend! Another visit from Couch to start off the month of May, and she brought along lovely Miss Jade! We had a jam packed weekend full of drinking, show going, and tattoo's!!!

Friday couch had a tattoo session with miss Guen Douglas at Planet Ink. She started a wicked peice on couch's rib cage of a pin-up styled lady on a trans am, with a desert background! Couch is pretty hardcore cus she sat through it for 3 hours and didnt make a sound! I wish i had a photo of it to show everyone, but its not my tattoo to show! So amazing though! After that we went out to see a band called CHINESE FOOD and RUDEBOY @ the rainbow! Now this venue gets a lot of flack, but i think its a rad place, and it reminds me of Wylders in north bay! I pumped couch and jade full of beer, to ensure a good time would be had :) After that we headed to Ska Jeff's house for a swell party! We showed up fairly late and apparently a lot of folk had left, but i think we were all so drunk by then that we had a swell time regardless! Met some swell folk and had some laughs, then we headed home.

Saturday we ventured to the tattoo parlour again so i could get some work done by Guen as well. I think shes an amazing artist, and everyone at the shop was very nice and friendly! Ill post a photo later in this blog. We decided to take a tour of parliament, as Jade & Couch have never visited CAT TOWN before! Then we hit up the museum of nature, and visited the dinosaurs & birds! We also had a swell lunch at the infamous SO GOODS, and it was fucking SO GOOD! After Chris Caisse joined us and we went to mavericks to see Orphan Choir, Old Boys & Brights. It was an awesome show and I've waited two years to see Orphan Choir! I was definitely not disappointed (even though i didnt know one song they played!)

Sunday was cut short and sweet, as my NB crew had to leave me! The weekend went by super fast and i miss my ladies already! I dont get to hang out with Jade that often, as she normally works when im in the Bay, so it was awesome spending FUN time with her!!!! I couldnt pass up the chance to kiss this lady!


Anyhow, a few weeks ago my friends in the Hometown Hecklers came and played a show in Ottawa. I was insanely excited to see them, as they are also a group of friends i rarely get to spend time with when visiting North Bay! I havent seen them play in over a year, and fuckkkk they improved & progressed incredibly!!!! I love watching bands progress into something great and something fun! They are, hands down, some of the best people around! I love you guys!


They brought up two more north bay friends, Becky & Aaron. I invited everyone over the morning after the show for breakfast and i made them raspberry pancakes, and Miss Verch provided us with some homemade maple syrup! It was amazing, to say the least!




now CASS ETTES!!!! Jennii will be here, in ottawa , in roughly two weeks. Im fucking excited about it! I know our past is tainted and poisoned, but i think we can work through our shit. We know the mistakes we've made in the past and I hope we both work hard to not make those mistakes again. Im really excited about recording a new EP, and to listen to our old recordings which are now mastered!!!! We even have two live sets that were edited and mastered too, so im pretty pumped to get this shit going. We will be recording our new EP righfully titled "FAKE PRETENTIOUS LAUGHERS" with our friend Jon Parolin in north bay this July! And for even better news, we'll most likely be adding mandolin into some of our tunes (cross your fingers!!!) We have lots of shit to do once jennii lands, and im stoked to get on it!!!!



So, my new tattoo is for my pops. As some folk know, my dad is my hero and probably the only reason I am the person that I am today. We've had a hard past together, and at points of my life i swear i hated him. Being older now, and understanding the process of growing up.... I really appreciate the person he is, and the decisions he's made (though many choices i know he regrets). I never hold anything against my father for the simple reason that he realizes his mistakes, and he's apologized for them and continues to do so often. I think this is a really important trait in someones personality, and im glad he passed that trait onto me.

A long time ago, there was a point in time my dad didnt think he'd ever see me again. I know this situation really fucked him up. He busted ass and did everything in his power to find me. During the 80's it wasnt very often a man was granted custody of his children, and my father was one of the first! Im forever thankful for his willpower and the fact he never gave up. His first tattoo was for me....a black unicorn with my name in a banner. I plan on getting the same tattoo eventually (minus my name!) I know this tattoo may be some what typical, but i put a lot of thought into it. The horseshoe represents my dads love for horses, and the luck (good & bad) that he has had in his past, and for his future. I dont get to see him often, so i feel like hes always with me now. He hasnt seen it yet, but i hope he likes it!!!!!

Anyhow, i ran out of things to say. I get to see ATMOSPHERE THIS WEEKEND! ahhhhhh

good times, had 'em all week.....

I guess thats a semi-lie.
I have no idea what ive been doing lately. My weekends consist of visits from north bay friends, and my weeks consist of constant work. I havent updated this thing in what feels like forever, and Couch gladly reminded me of this last week. I promised her i would update it....a week ago. (sorry couch!) I dont know why but i just dont feel like writing, and thats just fucking weird for me. I generally write every day.....my writers block has continuously gotten worse over the year. No new songs, no new fuck all. I hate to say it, but the stuff i have written has been about the same people, the same situation, and shit thats out of my control. You would think that once someone was out of your life that you'd just move on, but its so not the case. Its hard to believe how fast things change....how fast you become important to someone, and how fast they discard you like trash. A lot of the shit thats happened the past two years has fucked me up......I cant make friends because of it, and i cant even be in a happy relationship with someone super fucking rad because im scared shitless to give myself to anyone. One day, ill get over my past and move the fuck on.

in the end, im glad this dude is still my friend :)


On the night this photo was taken I went out with Steph, Aaron & Brando. We hit up the RnR Pizza Party at the Royal Oak, had a drink, made fun of this chick who kept farting and then we took off to the good ol' Dominion and got shitfaced. This was also our fight night, where some chick started a fight with steph and I kinda jumped in being like "thats my friend bitch!".....ohhhh good times.


Lately I've taken on a third kid. Another little boy, who's 3....hes pretty rad. His mom is from spain and shes a really rad lady, but i felt she really needed some help with this little guy as he bullies her around alot. This is about my 6th day with him, and the twins are starting to be OK with sharing me. Anyhow, so i grabbed the mail and found a lovely cheque from the government addressed to MOI for a large amount of money. Needless to say, im fucking stoked. I seriously stopped breathing for a minute. I was at a point where i was pretty poor, and having tp pay shit off and i was getting behind in other shit, plus paying for recording and tour stuff.....it was stressing me out.....but im kinda fucking in the clear now....its a good feeling. And for once, i will NOT waste this money on booze and weed and partying......well maybe this weekend with Couch & Jade....BUT, Im playing the "responsible role" for once.



Couch has come to visit me in Ottawa pretty much once a month. I must say its pretty great and makes me not so lonely being here (so does hanging with steph) Its weird going from knowing everyone & having someone to hang out with at anytime, to not knowing anyone and your best friends are 3 year olds. I kind of needed this though. I wished to be in a place where no one knows my name, and here i am.....so who says you dont get what you wish for?

Anywaysss, the other weekend Dawna came to visit me. It was relaly rad seeing her and being able to spend 1:1 time with that kid! We took some mushrooms and hung out on a rock all night. It was awesome...we bought all these groceries and just had a wicked picnic with beer and some joints.....we laughed so hard and so much our bodies hurt like the hell the next day. That saturday we went to go see Murder By Death, and to be honest....it felt just like it did 4 years ago when we took that hitch hiking trip around ontario following that band.


CASS ETTES!!!!! So Jennii is moving back to ontario end of May! She'll be going to school in Toronto, which means we will be rockin' out randomly and making shit happen. Her friend Chris Ray mastered our old EP "drive or you'll kill us" and then her and Chris edited live recordings from 2007 so we'll have two NEW cds for people to listen to!!!! Then in July we'll be recording newer songs with Jon Parolin in North Bay. Thennnn in August we have a couple of shows we're playing around Ontario!!!! Im pretty excited!!! Its pretty fucking surreal to think that we've put so much time and work into this band over the last 5-6 years and just NOW we will have something to show for it....something to give our friends!!!! Not to mention Jennii has been working hard on lots of new Merch!!!! Its an intense feeling to say the least!

Im so fucking ignorant. I dont care about political drama and i dont care about the swine flu. Is it bad i leave everything up to fate? If it happens, then it happens. Maybe the swine flu will make me famous.


Anyhow, check out www.myspace.com/nobodu next week and we'll have new tracks up!!!!!
and i promise to post more and quit being lame.

Im afraid of everything....

When im feling melodramatic, i listen to KOLS....i think ive been in love with Ben Barnett since i was about 14. Thats kind of weird eh.....i wonder how old he is now. I want to move to chicago, just to have the mere chance of catching him play at a house show, or at a cafe or something. Its weird how inspiring someone becomes, and he probably doesnt even realize how much he's changed my life. How sad.

I'd like to say i've been doing amazing things over the past few weeks. Considering i havent posted in awhile, but really....nothing too exciting is happening. I had an amazing time in North Bay when i went to visit last month. It was great seeing friends, and all those lovely smiles. I didnt get to spend much time with anyone, except Couch really.....and im definitely not complaining. Its kind of strange, but Ive seen & hung out with Couch more times this year then i did when we lived together. Mind you, we only lived together for a month.....but its still weird. We've been friends for about 5 years now, but have never spent this much time together....its strange to think that after 5 years you're really getting to know someone. Shes amazing.

Couch ended up coming down again for the weekend and then extended her stay and joined me to go see Millencolin. I didnt stay at the show very long....even though i went through alot just to get in. Either way, we drank strong beer at Jeff's house before the show....and that was rad. we tried to have a chugging contest....neither of us won.


I have a weird nostalgic connection to FAXE beer. It brings back crazy memories of being a rebellous teenager, and though i often think i havent changed a bit since i was 17/18, Im glad im not that person anymore. I would never want to replace those memories though.


this is a photo of Sobrietys Rejects. It was their last show in North Bay, and they've played a major part of my life the past 6-7 years (as a band, but most of all as people). Im not really ashamed to say i've slept with 2/3's of that band either.....hahah amazing people. The night brought feelings of sadness (that they were breaking up) and yet i couldnt stop smiling. The energy in the room was incredible. I was surrounded by most of my favorite people, dancing, drinking, laughing.....it was hard to stay focused at times.
It was pretty incredible to see Jay & Josee again. They are such amazing people and continuously put smiles on faces when they walk into a room. <3

me, kimmy, josee & amber

I was finally able to go visit amber, see her new home and meet baby william!!!! This was a big moment for me. I have a few friends from highschool that have kids, and are married now, but we never really talk. My only other friend that started a family is Carleigh, but even then i wasnt really a part of any of it. I look back now and i really wish i could have been there for her, and for amber. Carleigh made it a bit harder (eloping & moving to ireland can do that i guess) but regardless im really excited for her & her new family to move back to canada, so i can meet their baby and try and be there for them now.


I only met Will the one time, but i seriously fucking love that kid. I wish i had tons of money to spoil my friends children, but all i can offer is a random visit once a year or so (if that) Growing up can suck balls.....but this kid rules. I bet Thurston beats Will up at least once!


I had a craving for ice cream cake the whole time i was in North Bay. So i ended up buying this one and shared it with my friends.....but i think mostly jade and I ate it. mmmm


I have no idea what ive been doing since my north bay trip. Im sort of a hermit, but the nice weather is getting me out more. I've been going to a fuck load of shows and i really dont even remember them....I've also been drinking a lot more than i would like to, but oh well. Dawna is coming to ottawa on tuesday, and then couch and some others are coming next weekend for the Weakerthans show, im pretty excited. I love the fact that Couch has been coming to shows in ottawa with me, and everytime she brings one of my favorite people with her <3


on another note, im so heart broken over things....and yet im so tired of being so hurt. Its been 6 months now, and still i cant fucking forget it. I wish they knew what they meant to me. I wish i could tell them without hyperventilating.